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Enough [16 May 2011|03:16pm]
My subconscious mind has a way of twisting every virtue I have into a point of my own failure, and I'd like it to stop.
It is good that I care about the people around me. Even when I can't do anything tangible to help, it doesn't mean that I'm a failure.
If I allow the desire to be helpful to be my only motivation for self-improvement, I will be affirming the idea that I'm not worth my effort, only others are, thus making real self-improvement impossible.

So enough with this idea that if I spent as much time on stabilizing my situation in life as I do worrying about others' problems, I'd be able to offer real help to them. I can offer help now, and only allowing myself to expend effort for the benefit of others is the shovel that dug me into this hole in the first place.
(moo | graze)

Uninvited introspection [09 Nov 2010|07:00am]
Why do I always feel like I'm lying when I tell anyone I can do something?
(moo | graze)

inexcusable, unforgivable. [12 Oct 2009|03:33pm]
Four days ago, on Thursday the 8th of October, 30 Republican senators, including John McCain, voted to defend gang rape.
This is not an exaggeration or a decontextualized report. Al Franken introduced an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill which would render ineligible for defense contracts any company which attempts to block employees from filing sexual assault suits.

Let me say that again: all this amendment does is make it impossible for corporations that try to force binding arbitration on employees who have been sexually assaulted on the job to get defense contracts. Thirty republican senators voted against this. Thirty republican senators think that it is perfectly alright to try and enforce binding arbitration clauses in rape cases, and companies doing this should not be penalized in any way by the government.

Horrifying, inexcusable, infuriating, unforgivable.

If you are represented by any of these senators, write in and tell them this is not a fucking game.
(moo | graze)

(moo | graze)

Good times never felt so good. [11 Sep 2009|02:23pm]
So, I went to the PAX this year. I came down with the PAX pox afterwards. But PAX was a wholely positive experience.

On the whole, best summarizes my feelings about the event.

I don't think I've ever felt less alone in my life than I did at that concert.

Also I've now played Diablo 3, so that was pretty cool.
(moo | graze)

Rorschach [07 Aug 2009|05:50pm]
What does this Rorschach blot look like to you?
A wolf or coyote with four eyes or eyespots on its snout.
(moo | graze)

oh by the way [17 Jul 2009|02:14am]
I'm in baltimore for Otakon, and will be in some combination of Silver Spring and/or Bethesda for the week following.
(moo | graze)

Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful' [24 Jun 2009|11:03pm]
SAN FRANCISCO—Creator Jack Dorsey was shocked and saddened this week after learning that his social networking device, Twitter, was being used to disseminate pertinent and timely information during the recent civil unrest in Iran. "Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them," said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation. "When I heard how Iranians were using my beloved creation for their own means—such as organizing a political movement and informing the outside world of the actions of a repressive regime—I couldn't believe they'd ruined something so beautiful, simple, and absolutely pointless." Dorsey said he is already working on a new website that will be so mind-numbingly useless that Iranians will not even be able to figure out how to operate it.
(moo | graze)

A beginner's exercise [13 Mar 2009|12:51pm]
[ mood | reflective ]

Something to try the next time you have a headache:
Close your eyes, focus your entire concentration on the nearest area that is not in pain, especially focusing on any parts of your head that are not in pain. Experience this sensation of in the fullest detail you can. Imagine that the other part no longer exists, only the focused parts are real. Now gradually imagine the area of these parts expanding, slowly and painlessly, until your entire head's surface is covered by the sensation of normalcy. If done properly, you will not even notice a change, but your headache will be gone. If it worked, congratulations, you have just discovered the art of healing meditation.

I would not recommend this for any serious ailment or as a substitute for medical treatement, but for life's small discomforts, it can work wonders. For instance, since discovering this process, I have only had to suffer headaches from sleep deprivation, when I lacked the necessary concentration for this sort of thing, or severe sinus infections, where the pain would just start right back up because of continual causation. In these years, however, I also have not refined it much beyond this.

This technique, particularly, is one I discovered towards the beginning of junior high school. At the time, I was suffering from an incurable ailment called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (later to be known as Chronic Fatigue ImmunoDeficiency Syndrome), and someone I had recently met with Fibromyalgia (and possibly Multiple Sclerosis -- my memory is a bit fuzzy on this point) told me about the work she had been doing with biofeedback. Biofeedback is something she described as basically "lying to yourself until your body believes it". The upside was that it had had a fair amount of success in treating some otherwise intractable ailments like ours. The downside was that, success and failure alike, biofeedback patients had a pretty high chance of going on to become pathological liars, perhaps indicating that the work was better cut out for hypnotists or placebo pills. And though the Chronic Fatigue eventually went away in my case, it was not because of biofeedback or healing meditation or any such a thing. See, in my case, it seems to have been entirely caused by severe mold allergies, and my family eventually moved out of the water-damaged apartment we were in.

(moo | graze)

And I will whisper "no". [09 Mar 2009|02:45am]
I saw tne Watchmen movie tonight, and my overall feeling is that it did the graphic novel justice. Yes, some parts which would have helped to bring the story into a fuller light were cut. However, strictly speaking, they weren't necessary to follow the story.
In fact, when I read the graphic novel, I skipped over "Under the Hood" and "Tales of the Black Freighter" segments when I got to them, and then went back and read them after I finished the storyline proper.
Perhaps, though, it would have worked better as two 2.5 hour movies instead of one 3 hour film.

My only complaints are that the director perhaps overemphasized the blood&gutsiness of the action sequences (similarly to "The 300", but on nowhere near the scale) and the actioniness of the jailbreak scene.

I definitely liked the film, though, and would recommend it to fans of the original work. Very much unlike the film adaptation of V for Vendetta, which I could not make it through in one sitting because of my disgust at how terribly everyone involved had missed the point of the original work.
(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

RE: The presidency [05 Nov 2008|12:29am]
Man, I knew we were going to win
but I can't believe we won. Holy shit!
(moo | graze)

Fuck something awful. [03 Nov 2008|10:10am]
[ mood | infuriated ]

For the uninformed, proposition 8 is a proposed amendment to the California state constitution which would permanently remove state recognition for homosexual marriages. The entire text of the proposition is "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." This "protect your child's education" angle is complete fucking bullshit.

(moo | graze | 6 herdmates mooed their best)

[26 Aug 2008|03:08am]
The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read only six and force books upon them.

Read more...Collapse )

100 books, and no sign of Kurt Vonnegut? I call the list author's taste in to be questioned, tortured, and executed (after being found guilty in a fair trial by a jury of its peers).
(moo | graze | 1 herdmate mooed their best)

The MSG gave back your whole vocabulary. I just can't write you using words that I don't know [06 Jun 2008|12:51am]
D.R.A.B. Recursive Acronym BattleCollapse )

yeah, this was really a lot more fun than you'd think
(moo | graze)

Talking to a cave story modder [09 Feb 2008|09:39am]
Serious Face: oh, my brother got me to think of a silly idea that i miiiight play with
Upthorn: Oh?
Serious Face: it'll be a normal cave story game
Serious Face: till you get to the labyrinth
Upthorn: and then it will have david bowie as the goblin king?
Serious Face: then david bowie from the movie the labyrinth will show up
Serious Face: give you diolog from the movie
Serious Face: and you'll be off to save a baby
Upthorn: :D :D :D
(moo | graze | 1 herdmate mooed their best)

WHOOP [13 Nov 2007|08:10am]
(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

Writer's Block: Happy Halloween! [01 Nov 2007|08:32am]
Boo! How did you celebrate Halloween?

Appearantly, I decided to celebrate Halloween by coughing up a lung, seeing the doctor, and going to bed early.
(moo | graze)

... [12 Sep 2007|10:39am]
Disregard that, I suck cocks.
I got confused, and thought the outro from a Ray McGovern interview was the intro to one. The person who made the alarmist statements was not a credible source.
(moo | graze | 5 herdmates mooed their best)

"Last night something pretty bad happened. We lost a friend." [24 Aug 2007|01:33pm]
[ mood | blank ]

This morning, I was woken by a call from my ex.

She had just learned that one of our friends shot himself in the past day or two.
He had left a note, but she didn't know what it was.
He had also left a message at his psychiatrist's office (at 2 AM, when he knew noone would be there), and a message on his ex-girlfriend (the one who left him)'s cell.

But he hadn't called his best friend who lives less than 45 minutes away.

The last I'd heard of him was 4 months ago, when he threw a big housewarming party that everyone (including me) came to.
It seemed like he would be happy there with his new roommates and being fairly near to people.
But I guess he wasn't.

(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

lol [20 Jul 2007|08:33am]
im in ur baltimore attendin ur otakons
(moo | graze)

[30 Jun 2007|04:41pm]
My hives might be gone.

Or at least in remission due to the massive amounts of steroids they had me take the past four days (to be followed by decreasingly massive amounts over the next 12).

But the important thing is I don't itch right now.
(moo | graze | 1 herdmate mooed their best)

[26 Jun 2007|05:37pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

So the doctor tells me that it is possible for someone to have a single exposure to an allergen, and have recurrent itchy hives and rash for up to six weeks.

The doctor also tells me, though, that they are giving me something which will make it feel better.

(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

[25 Jun 2007|08:47am]
[ mood | itchy ]

Wouldn't it be nice if a 36 (or more) hour long hive reaction the first time you wear a nice suit were't the only way to discover you have a wool allergy.

Or if those hives at least weren't throbbing...

(moo | graze)

[09 Jun 2007|07:07am]
How smart are you?
(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

Announcement in three parts [22 Mar 2007|05:45pm]
Part the first:
Due to my no moneys whatsoever, I shall be moving back in with my parents, in California, as of April the 9th. Any of you here in the Mary lands who care to hang out, the time is now.

Part the second:
There is some completely unrelated really weird shit happened between me and one of my friends recently which is threatening to send me into a bout of emo. Stuff I'd very much like to talk to someone about, but is very much not something I can publically announce, and I'm not certain that I know anyone with whom I feel safe discussing it privately. Suck.

Part the third:
Entirely unrelatedly, I just cleaned out my friends list some. This is not loldrama, nor is it a plea for attention. Actually, I doubt any of those affected will care, but just in case one of you does... If you're removed, it's not cause I hate you or anything, it's because it's been several months since you said anything that was relevant to me in any way, but it hasn't been several months since you made an entry. If you notice that you've been removed, and actually care about maintaining contact with me (which I will be entirely surprised by), my AIM and YIM and ICQ and MSNIM are in my profile, use them.
(moo | graze | 2 herdmates mooed their best)

The moment we believe that we have never met, another kind of love it's easy to forget. [08 Mar 2007|06:36am]
So I've seen this pop up on a couple other LJs and I figure "why not, eh?"

Get your own CrushTag!
(moo | graze | 1 herdmate mooed their best)

"Did he say anything specific about the semiotics of the term?" [04 Mar 2007|09:48am]
I think I've figured out my issues. Not necessarily the cause, but at least a spot-on description of the symptoms.

I've been having one long midlife crisis since... 6th grade at the absolute latest, probably earlier.

Maybe this realization can help me to resolve it.
(moo | graze)

[20 Feb 2007|02:18am]
The closeminded try my patience.

From wikipedia [14 Feb 2007|02:32am]
A fish whisperer is a fish trainer who adopts a sympathetic view of the motives, needs, and desires of the fish, based on modern piscine psychology. The term goes back to the early nineteenth century when an Irish fishman, Daniel Sullivan, made a name for himself in England by rehabilitating fish that had become vicious and intractable due to abuse or accidental trauma.

He kept his methods secret, but people who managed to observe him noticed that he would stand face to face with the troubled fish. They seemed to think that he must be saying something to the fish in a way the fish could understand and accept because the fish were quickly gentled by his mysterious techniques.

His techniques were passed over to Willis J. Powell, who learned them well and traveled widely in the New World to help the most seriously traumatized fish. His fame spread, and more and more people sought help from him. He wrote his own book and later cooperated with John Solomon Rarey. Rarey was protective of the tradition he had thus learned, and in early versions of his own book did not reveal how the most severely traumatized fish were salvaged by the methods originated by Sullivan and passed to him by Powell. He did, however, always give Powell full credit for his methods of gentling fish. Finally he became convinced that it was better to reveal the secret method to the world than to risk its loss. That method is fairly faithfully represented in the novel and motion picture The fish Whisperer.

The first fish whisperer is thought to have been Xenophon. Today, numerous trainers and clinicians call themselves fish whisperers, often building on the work of Daniel Sullivan, Willis J. Powell, and John Solomon Rarey in the 1850s. The early twentieth centuries exponents of securing the fish's cooperation by kindness include Tom Dorrance, and somewhat later Ray Hunt.

Dorrance's True Unity and Hunt's Think Harmony With fish advocate "true understanding" of the fish. Monty Roberts wrote a textbook on the subject entitled From My Hands To Yours: Lessons from a Lifetime of Training Championship fish.
(moo | graze)

"she is a delusional nymphomaniac schizophrenic." [26 Jan 2007|03:28pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

His friends said
"Don't go near her
she is a delusional nymphomaniac schizophrenic"

But the sight
heart beating
swan wings against glass smooth throat as if to say
"I'm waiting for my love"

Across the room
long thin fingers stroke the pool cue
legs rub and silky black fabric clings to globes like men's eyes when she walks past
panties in sight

Men swear under their breath
Her body
Crafted by God exclusively for the purpose of doing it
doggy style

She tells him Decimer for his eyes
(cupid bow smirk) she knows she is
helpless to her beauty

Slight shoulders
curve like she's always
carrying invisible books

He yearns to
protect her sultry fragile innocence
licks his lips nervously She
some obscure thought dances on her face

"Wanna play?" she asks.
He nods
unable to trust his voice
his luck
this vision
They banter lightly
shoot pool
He buys her a drink that lasts until morning

Two dates later
he discovers
she's a sexual goddess
the kind of woman that makes a man think about marriage for the first time

Four weeks
issues are
iron or bubbling in cauldron eyes

Not enough to turn him off
She seems so vulnerable
shrieking in a drunken rage mascara trails agony lines on candy apple cheeks and when it's all over
she curls into his arms
kisses with urgency
kisses forgiveness into passion
Wet lips wipe away his dissapointed fury
all of her curves fit
into the angles of his body
he thinks
She is Eve to my Adam

All the nagging second thoughts his friends stockpile explode
"They're just jealous
dangerously jealous"
He shouldn't have told them how she snarls nasty freakazoid petnames in bed or about the
time she gave him a handjob under the dinner table at the country club during his
parents' anniversary dinner
They wish they were lucky enough to imagine her perfection

Two months pass

She makes him a crown of barbed wire for his birthday
insists he wear it when they fuck
gripes that she can't cum unless
blood beads on his skin tender as a coronet
a ruby droplet halo
above his angelic face

"Come on"
she giggles
"it really turns me on"
Laughter replaces
tension he packs dirt around his friends' comments like cadavers in the basement of his brain
and she rewards him with her total abandon
her supplication to his fevered touch
She belongs to him now

Three months
He wakes tied to the bed she stands
over him moonlight slicks new sweat pearls on her naked body
husky voice raises neck hairs She whispers
"you neeeed the stigmata"

He thinks maybe
as one nail tears the flesh on his feet
"Saaaave meeee" she murmurs
salt blood stings his eyes

his friends were right

(moo | graze | 5 herdmates mooed their best)

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